It's The End

29 March 2006, 12.27pm

A sms stating: 'Sorry.i have.' marks the end of this 'relationship'.

Finally.. The Shot That Kills

29 March 2006

Finally. I made you tell me the choice that you have made. Though i have already guessed it a few days ago. Your reply of: 'Sorry. I have' is enough to kill me. Kill my heart that is already jaded. A second pris incident that happened to me. And similarly, i don't really know if i was being liked all these while. Must be my retribution. Honestly, i thought i would be able to move your heart, able to make you feel loved. But i failed. Still, i understand how you feel to want to patch back with your ex. Totally understand. Thanks for killing me with the answer. At least i wont have to go through this agony for so long. I can now announce: Its all over.

My Dreams Came True.. Because Of You

27 March 2006

Nothing to blog. I'm serious. Nothing.

28 March 2006

I've think it through. The present and this blog are supposed to be a gift for you when we are together. However, i feel that things aren't really going the way i dreamt of. I will still give you these gifts, as they are made for you. Just for you. I must apologise. Sorry for all the lies i had to make just to cover up for this present and blog. Lied to give you a surprise. More lies to cover up for the lies. Hope you'll forgive me. Next up, i have to thank a thousand people, for making things possible these few months.
1) Parents - Thanks for giving birth to such a son. Thanks for all the effort and money invested in me. I'll definitely pay you back one day.
2) Kor & Da Sao - Thanks for lending me the car, be it sending her home, helping her shift 'house'. Thanks a lot. And thanks for offering to lend me your printer, though in the end i still did the printing at my office. Thanks for the thought.
3) Eesuan - So many things involving you. Can't list out all. But, in a gist, THANKS a million. You have been a wonderful friend. Thanks for helping me all these while. Be it big or small matters. It has been wonderful knowing you. And thanks Hansel too!
4) Shuting cousin - Thanks for accompanying me that day, to shop for the fragrance. You have been a great help. Sorry about your nose. My nose also didn't survive that day.
5) Alfred - Thanks man for helping me burn the Chinese CD. And the beautiful cover. Sorry i didn't use yours, cos i had mine prepared. Thanks.
6) Jeffrey - Thanks for the English CD. Had to trouble you to download the songs then burn. Thanks.
7) Group of friends consisting of suan, vince, ruth, zijie, lek, hansel, koklong, shuyi, gary, esther and many many more - Thanks for all the outings. Gave me chance to see joy more. Spent more time with joy. Really thanks all my friends. You all won't be forgotten. ps: jiji - thanks for the bread bought for joy. owe you one.
8) Brothers consisting of kwangyi, eugene and dingyi - Thanks for listening to my stories. All my crap stories. I know i should heed your advices, but i just help falling into this bottomless pit. Sorry guys. But thanks anyway for always being there.
9) Part time gf Annie - Thanks for your listening ears. Always so interested to know my stories. Since JC times, till now. Haha. Still my good friend. And you're the first to see this blog k, even before joy. Thanks anyway.
10) Other : Those not on my thank list - I still wanna thank you all who have helped me one way or another. Thanks for making things possible.

Last and most important of all : Joycelyn - Thanks for being there. Thanks for those sms, yakking on the phone, outings, shoppings, lunch, dinner, supper, many many times spent together. They were all wonderful i swear. Thanks for letting me have someone to think of. Thanks for not letting me feel lonely. Thanks for letting me want to love you. At least i know i'm still alive this way. So many first times, so many unforgetable memories, so many so many. Just wanna thank you. I'm supposed that i've turned this blog into a more personal one towards the end. It's supposed to be a memory bank for all the wonderful events that took place between you and me. But somehow or rather, it turned out like this. Sorry. It's supposed to be JUST FOR JOY - just for you, and just for happy stuffs. I dun know what will happen in the future. Whether this blog will carry on. Or it will just die of natural death here. I really dunnoe. But for these few months, my dreams came true.. because of you.

Decision Making

25 March 2006

I called you. You went out and went home early. Very early. You sound okay. Okay as i thought you were supposed to be not so okay cause of your blog entries days ago. You even told me you went zesin's room on fri night to watch movie. This news can only be heart breaking. Can't think of other words to describe my feelings. Then you fell asleep. You called me at night. I asked you if adding a 'friend' at the beginning of the msg you sent me a hint, you did not want to answer. I've already guessed it. Your choice is obvious. Zesin is the man. When you told me the choice you made is something you didn't like, im quite sure my guess is right. Im really thinking what i should do. I think i should really stop putting so much effort into a relationship that isn't going the way i want. I should stop taking initiative to call you and msg you. Should stop all those stupid things i do just for you. Should i??

26 March 2006

Nothing happened today. No msg, no call. I went jogging and did some work out in the middle of the night. Body aching.

In Love??

25 March 2006

Again i couldn’t help it but msg you to find out how things are going for you. Finally you replied, twice. I kept asking myself, am i really in love with you. I am. But are you?? If you have already decided what to do, or what i should do, let me know. I will be understanding. I will do what i am supposed to do.

Things i do sub-consciously which make me believe that i am in love with you:
-You are the first person on my mind. I wake up first thing in the morning thinking of you.
-You are the last person on my mind. I think of you before i fall asleep, thinking what you are doing, how you are doing.
-You are always on my mind. I just can't stop thinking of you. At home, at work, out with friends, out alone.
-I am happy to receive your msg, your sms, your call. Always looking forward to the next one. Always hoping it would come soon, come fast.
-I am happy to call you, to msg you, to hear your voice, just to keep in touch with you.
-I try my best to date you whenever possible, no matter how many other dates or appointments i have to sacrifice. Happy to be out with you.
-I am happy to see you smile, hear you laugh.
-I am happy to see you enjoy sweet therapy, shopping therapy, pastry therapy.
-I am crazy over you, i do things for you. Art and craft is my weakest, yet i attempt to do it just for you.
-You are everywhere in my life. Desktop of my pc, screensaver too, wallpaper of my handphone, and screensaver again, up in the photo frame, up in my mind, and deep in my heart.
-I come home everyday switching on my pc, first thing to check your blogs. Best way to find out how you are feeling.
-I always check my hp, to see if i missed any calls from you, or sms. Always deleting my inbox, to ensure that sms from you can reach me without fail.
-Always thinking of ways, finding new ideas to cheer you up, hoping that you can feel happy wherever you are.
-You are the one i wanna share my happy experiences with.
-You're also the one i wanna talk to when im feeling down.
-I always wanna be there when you don't feel good.
-And want to be the one you share your joy with.
-I love to spend time with you, be it out on the street, yakking on the phone, busy with sms, or online on msn.
-Unknowingly, you have already occupied a big part of my heart. And i hope that you are the one i spend my life with.

From This Moment

I do swear…that I’ll always be there…
I’d give anything and everything and I will always care
Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow,
For better for worse, I will love you
With every beat of my heart
From this moment…life has begun
From this moment…your are the one
Right beside you is where i belong
From this moment on
From this moment…i have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love i’d give my last breath
From this moment on
I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can’t wait to live my life with you can’t wait to start
You and i will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you
From this moment…as long as i live
I will love you…i promise you this
There is nothing…i wouldn’t give
From this moment on
Oh oh
You’re the reason i believe in love
And you’re the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams…came true…because of you
From…this…moment as long as I live
I will love you, i promise you this
There is nothing i wouldn’t give
From this moment
I will love you as long as i live
From this moment on

A Week of Loneliness

21 March 2006

You called me at 5am in the morning. I got a shocked. But i was really over the moon. You just had supper. I wish i was there for supper with you.

22 March 2006

I called you, to find out how you are doing. You did'nt sound so good in your blog, i was worried. Called you again, you were going out for supper. Conversation ended when you reached the car.

23 March 2006

The whole world seems to have lost contact with you. Did'nt reply my msg, handphone off. You said you were drowning. I was worried, but felt so helpless. So useless that there is nothing i can do for you.

24 March 2006

My last day at work as a police officer. Wanted to enjoy it, but you were on my mind the whole day. Did'nt do much at work. You did'nt contact me. I was hoping that my phone would ring, but it did'nt.. as expected.

A Broken Heart

20 March 2006

Finally and surprisingly, you called near 12. We talked till 2am without you falling asleep. Talked about things i can't remember. A broken heart. If i can forget the conversation totally, maybe it would be nice. I still can't decide whether or not to climb out of the stupid pit. Should i? Went work, determined not to call or msg you. Wanted to see your response. Really, no news came from you. I think i have to slowly get use to not contacting you. If i dun get use to it now, what will happen to me if i lose you one day?

Homeless Child

16 March 2006

Too sad for anything. Met kwangyi in hougang. He ate dinner, i watched him eat. Then came mahjiong session at Derek's place. I obliged. Mahjiong the best way to keep my mind occupied. Called you at the stroke of mid night, just to wish u a happy birthday, and to hear your voice which i missed. Luck was on my side, surprisingly. Won couple of bucks. Went for supper, and stayed over at kwangyi's place. Btw, hope your wish can come true in no time. Unless you din make one.

17 March 2006

Woke up in the morning, happy to see your reply. Replied you, but got nothing in return. Guessed you're busy. Maybe busy thinking of where to go and what to do with zesin. Perhaps so. Went to play billard, went ktv, went dinner, then mahjiong again. Was really happy dingyi came to meet the both of us, though he was sick. My handphone was quiet the whole day. Not even a call from mummy when i was'nt even home the night before. Stayed over at ding's house, planning to go home the next morning.

18 March 2006

It's a beautiful weekend. But a dateless weekend is dreadful. I took leave on 16 & 17, hoping that there would be outings, or just even a short meet up. Guess it's not coming. If i foresee that this would happen, i rather go work to keep myself busy, and useful. I planned, yes i planned to bring you to disney on ice, even before you wrote in your blog that you wanted to go. Im serious. But i put off the idea days back when i felt that things are not going the way i hoped for. No disney on ice. Maybe some other dream prince might bring you there. Maybe.

You called. Surprisely. Activated me out for lunch. Have i ever rejected you? Felt like a subsitute again, after you failed to get suan, im your next alternative. Can't i be the first you think of and try to date? Anyway, was happy i was able to eat lunch with you, cause i get to see you. Had dinner with you too. Then you played Mario!! And then came your attitude dad. Can just die. Journey on the train back was horrible. Tears were at the rim of my eyes. But i controlled myself. I don't cry in public, unless i really cannot control it. Thought of you and zesin, just cant help it. I dunnoe if i should give up. Should i? I was thinking, maybe you will still get to see this blog eventually, but not as my gf. Maybe as a memory bank that reflects what went on these few months. Maybe just that. Any idea why i was sad these few days? Know why i planned leave specially on 16 & 17 March? I don't take leave to play mahjiong. Had plans. Plans which i had to cancel cause the time is just wrong. Everything seems wrong to me. Its bad. I just want to be happy. I want you to be happy. The best is having you with me, and both of us happy. But is that possible??

19 March 2006

Day started off by doing community service at Bukit Panjang Plaza by selling some lucky draw tickets. Started off badly, but as time pass and experiences gained from failures, it appeared that it is'nt so difficult after all. You were at home doing projects. Then you wanted to cut hair, but your hairdresser was not around, thus no haircut for you. Cheer up!! Can always cut another mahz. You went out with suan and junkai. I dunnoe to where, cause all my msges to you sort of din get quick, positive responses. I was sian. Alone. So went Suntec with senior and her 2 girl friends. Called you. Msged you. No responses. Guess you were asleep. Hope im right. Glad you finally replied after 2 hours. You fell asleep.

Plan Surprise

16 March 2006

Read your multiply. Got this kinda sad feeling. Its always depressing for me when i read your blog. I dunnoe why. You asked me why i like you. Here's my answers:
1) i feel comfortable when im with u - love your company
2) im happy in ur company - love to see you
3) i feel happy when u msg me - love to see that u're responding to me
4) im happy when u call me or i call u - love to hear your voice
5) i like your attitude - love the way you walk, you talk, you behave
6) i love your smile - love the joy you brought to others
7) i like your outside - love your sweet, pretty appearance
8) and your inside... beauty - love your brain, your blood, your heart
I called you. You told me someone date you tmr already. And you sounded happy you are going for the date. I din't want to ask who was it, cause i know the answer would be heartbreaking. And yes, you're going out with zesin. My heart broke. You're celebrating your 21st bday with him. You said your birthdays are special days, and you're celebrating with him. So i guess he's still the special someone in your heart. Maybe no one can replace him. I got this plan initially. But i've decided to call it off. I dun see a point anymore. Wanted to borrow the car, buy a cake, go to your hall, surprise you at the brink of mid-night. But i guess, i've lost all the courage and confidence in doing it. A broken heart cannot do much, cannot do anything. Plan surprise cancelled, officially. I dun wan to stay home with a broken heart. It makes the feeling of lonliness worse. Im going out, no matter what.

Moody Days

14 March 2006

Called you in the morning to wake you up. Sms you. Expected a reply. It did'nt come. Not even untill the next morning. Sad.

15 March 2006

Still waiting for your msg or call. It still did'nt come. Could'nt help it, but msg you. Replies came, but did'nt last. You were in lousy mood. I din ask for the reason, perhaps i can guess it. You have been troubled by the same old thing these few weeks. So do i. My mood is directly related to your mood. Whenever you are in a buoy mood, i always felt happy. Regardless of what happened. Whenever you are in a lousy mood, i would be feeling down somehow or rather. It can't be explained. I don't like to be lonely. That's why everytime i'm feeling down, i'll look for company somewhere. And mahjiong appears to be the best way to keep the time occupied, so that no time is spent thinking of your problem. And your problem seems to be a bigger problem to me. I wanna escape from trouble. Help...

Summary

A short summary of how we came to know each other.. though i can't remember all the details.. but i'll try to write whatever i can.

April/May 2002

Your best friend, my good friend's girlfriend: Ms Chew Eesuan, introduced you to me. You are her best friend, and i suppose she's yours too. We first met in Woodlands regional library, to study. Few sessions of studying together, few times of sending you home to Toa Payoh. These few times somehow made me feel comfortable with you. A crush perhaps. Times where i bought beancurd for you. Went AJC for no reason. The bond grew, but somehow or rather, we lost contact. We did'nt keep in touch, though your handphone number was never deleted from my handphone.

24 December 2002

X'mas celebration at suan's house. Suan, hansel, zijie, lek, you and me were there to celebrate. I got a float from you. Can't remember what i gave you. Did i or did i not? I really cannot remember.

24 December 2005

Christmas chalet at Coasta Sands Eastcoast Park brought us together once again. The 3 day 2 night chalet gave me the second chance to know you better. There i also found a new good friend, Vincent Tan. Both of us clique. Had things in common. Both of us became your ideal boyfriends. Then, our friendship became closer. Started to sms and talk on the phone after that. Started to go out. Then, friendship evolved into a different relationship for me. Maybe fate brought us together. I fell for you.

ps: You are the answer to my qn 18!!

31 December 2005

Told suan to organise a KTV session. A session at Orchard Party World. An excuse to see you cause i know you like to sing. Suan, lek, zijie, you and me went. Gary was there too. You were late. We sang our hearts out. And you were hungry. So nice zijie bought breads for you. Hope you like the breads. I had to go back to work. Night shift on a eve of New Year's day sucks. But i had no choice. You all went Yihan's place. I could'nt make it. I was jealous.

2 January 2006

Shifting of house. Vincent, suan and me helped you shift items from home to hall. NTU hall 5 room xxx on the 4th level. I borrowed car from my kor. Rare sight. But he lent me. I was so glad. Picked you up from driving at Ubi. Waited at the wrong bus stop. HAha.. funny. Went back to your house. Shifted so many things!! Helped you clean your room. So happy that i can do something for you. Got lost on the way home. Lost in Jurong. Damn.. lousy inexperienced driver.

9 January 2006

Your first TP test. You failed. You cried on the phone. I wanted to comfort you. But i could'nt do anything, felt so helpless to hear you cry. Giselle and Gary were there with you, at least.

My best friends', Kwangyi and Eugene, 21st birthday party. Chalet at Aloha Loyang. I wanted to bring you there, to meet my best friends. You were out with Vincent at Chinatown. Communication broke down and you did'nt come. I was sad. But things can only get better.

13 January 2006

Chloe see-ing session. Suan and you came my house. Chloe came home late, and surprisingly kor lent me car to sent you 2 home. At suan's void deck, kwangyi called. We went Marine Parade to play pool with kwangyi and derek. Yes, marine parade. And you found kwangyi cute, but too bad, he's attached to chiewz.

15 January 2006

Supper at Prata House/Sight see-ing at Seletar dam. Funny day. You met me at Yishun MRT after my work. Sent you to Boon Lay, a mind to sent you back to hall. There came a sms stating kor is lending me his car. We went back home immediately! Yishun to Boon Lay.. Boon Lay back to Sembawang. Long journey, but worth it i guess. Able to drive you around. 1st girl to sit in my driven car for so so many times. Went Prata house for supper. Went Seletar dam to feed mosquitoes, chat and take photos. I had a great night out. My very 1st time doing these with a girl i like. Wanted that kinda feeling for a long time. Sent you back hall. A memorable night for me, for sure.

22 January 2006

Outing at Chinatown/Bugis. Ruth, vincent you and me went. Supposed to be a ruth shopping spree for new year clothes, but ended up yours. 1st time meeting ruth. Nice friend to know. Went Chinatown Yum Cha, had a good lunch there. Shopped Chinatown, shopped Bugis. Ruth left early. Then came suan. We had dinner, we played pool, i sent you home, vince sent suan home.

11 February 2006

Vincent Tan's 21st birthday party!! Everyone was there: from your crush(zhijian), to best friend(suan), to good friend(ruth), to your crushers(gary & shuyi), to yaosheng, to zijie and to me. Of course your ideal(vincent) and you yourself were present to celebrate the occassion. We went vincent's house early, a mind to help him decorate his house. But honestly speaking, nothing much was done except for some balloons!! Cake was'nt really nice but the feeling of having friends at home to celebrate birthday was cool. We left vince's place at around 11, but you did'nt want to go home. We chatted at the playground near your house, until 2am!! And i had work the next morning, but it was worth it. Really. We had a great talk that night. Talking about anything and everything under the moonlight - the past, the present, the future, thrashed out things and cleared some doubts. It was quite unforgetable for me. I feel that communication is very impt for couples. Let's hope we can always communicate well!!

18 February 2006

Honestly i do not have a wonderful memory. I can only blog what i can remember. I am recalling all these stuff only on 13 March, so pardon me for forgetting what happened on this day. All i could remember was I met you somewhere. My house i think. Had the car and drove you up to Mount Faber. To see the scenary, which was supposed to be romantic. But it turned out that someone had brought you there too, so it did'nt really worked out as planned. Provided blackcurrent fruit tips, but it did'nt keep you awake. Sent you home and you slept in the car.

27 February 2006

I went out with kwangyi and eugene to shop for bryant's present. Also out to buy the required dresscode for your birthday party. Bought a blue Ben Sherman stripe shirt. Glad it was nice, at least that's what i thought.

28 February 2006

You did'nt want to stay at hall. You wanted to go home. We met at Sunplaza, my hometown. Had dinner at MOS burger and went my place for a while cause i wanted to bathe. I called home, but my mum refused to hide the new shirt i bought. It was meant to be a surprise, without you knowing that i've bought the shirt. But plan failed!! You ran through my wardrobe, saw my stripe shirt. And there goes the surprise. You stayed over at suan's place, 1st time in your life at her place.

1 March 2006

I was on my way to town, to meet my cousin (shuting) to shop. Shop for fragrance. Which was meant for you. You called me, and told me you had a dream. You've not dreamt for a long time and you clearly remembered the details. Came up with a 4D number: 2128 or 2821. Could'nt remembered the sequence. I had a mind to buy it, but there is no singapore pools outlet in town which i could remember. You asked me to buy it, but i did'nt. Met cousin in town, walked through many departmental stores. Finally got down to DFS. Cause they had all the fragrance in town. Smelt fragrance after another. Nose broke down. But finally made up my mind and chose JLo new fragrance - Love at First Glow. Wierd name, but i quite like the smell. Glad you like it. Went Ching's party at Holland V. Then came your phone call: 2128 came up 2nd prise!! i did'nt buy. Neither did your mum. I wanted to faint, but just not my luck. If i had bought the number, guessed your party would have been on me. Next time perphaps. Went your house after the party. Chatted till near 2am. Wan'st supposed to let you know your present, but brillant you guessed it at first sight. Another surprise down the drain. I declare myself a lousy surprise planner!

3 March 2006

Sad and bad day for me. Purposely went gambling. Lost $80++ in the process. I deserve it.

4 March 2006

I had a birthday party but i chose not to go. Sorry Hwee Sim. You called me, last, to meet up for dinner at Sembawang. Seldom reject you issit it. Got activated and proceeded immediately. Vince, suan, you and me had dinner at Macs. You gave me a Thank You card (from GEMS). I was really thrilled. Replaced this original one with the one i gave myself on 28 Feb. We watched tv at suan's house, scv, dvd and soccer too. Thanks for watching soccer with me, though soccer is'nt something you love watching. I really appreciate the times you spent with me watching 22 people going after one ball in the middle of a big green field. Thanks girl. You stayed over at suan's place, this time round you slept on the floor.

5 March 2006

My virgin dinner!! Met you in sembawang, to go order your birthday cake. Went concourse and bought balloons. Went Orchard point and you spotted a dress you did'nt want to take off. You look gorgeous in the dress. It was lovely. Serious! Sweet and pretty. Told suan to buy, and she did. Headache over choc cakes. Finally ordered a 3kg Chocolate Amer cake from Bakerzin @ United Square. Free delivery, luckily. Went your place after that, and i had my virgin dinner at a girl's place. Not any ordinary girl. But one i like, one i really do. The joy was'nt written on my face i think, but it certainly left an impact in my heart. Went bryant's party after dinner, and the party was boring.

7 March 2006

Finally decided to give you the present. Your 21st birthday present which was planned and done long before hand. I really put my effort into this one. No one else in this world got any present more effort than this one. So better appreciate and like it!! haha. First present was a fake one - i don't give pple pink panadol for presents. Not so mean at least. Wanted to be the 1st to give you your present, hope i made it. And was happy you like the smell, and the lip gloss too, not to forget the effort wordless card. Want that smell on you. Suits you i think.

11 March 2006

Your big day. Biggest celebration in your 21 years of life. A lot of pple put in a lot of effort to make your party a successful one. A dream come true. Guess i don't have to blog much about this day, cause i think you'll remember more clearly than what i do. Had a glance of your 2 ex at a go. Did'nt feel good. But have got no choice. Anyway thanks for letting me meet eugene, got a new old friend at least. Really happy you had a wonderful birthday.

12 March 2006

I was bored at home. You had project discussion. I rejected mahjiong, just to go out with you. Luckily you did. Met at bishan. Shopped, ate and ate! haha. Had Sake sushi for dinner. Made you pissed somehow. The photos i deleted were no big secret. Just that i want a successful surprise for you this time. By the time you read this blog, think there's no need to see the photos anymore. The CDs and papers should be in your hands by now. Whether you like it or not, whether it turn out to be a successful surprise or not, i don't know. This gift was prepared long ago. Somewhere in feb i think. So treasure it! You're the first girl i put so so much effort into. Dun break my heart, again.

13 & 14 March 2006

Started recalling all, if not almost all the events that took place. This blog will serve as a memory book for you and me. Will continue to diary events down from today onwards. Hopefully i don't have to wait for long before you get to see this blog. The day i give you the gift, and this blog address, will be the day you decided to move on away from the shadows of zexin, and maybe start a journey with me. A journey i want it to last. Serious. To the day we step onto the red carpet together, till the day we both turned grey, looking back at this blog, with memories flashing at the back of our minds... ... happily ever after...

Introduction

Someone asked me before: Why don't you start writing a blog?
I answered: My com is down, maybe i'll consider to start one once my com is fixed.

So here i am, starting a blog. A blog JUST FOR YOU, 陈卓思灵. For this special one who told me to.

I have decided to diary my everything into this blog, just for you to read it. I do know when you will see this. The day I give this blog address to you should be the day we are together. Maybe that day won't even come. I don't know. Though deep down inside my heart, I really hope that the day would be come. Come fast. But when I wake up every morning, the day did'nt come.

Too many considerations. Too many thoughts through my mind. Too much happiness. Even more sadness. You don't know what to do. Neither do I.